A lump of earth
by maniacalfish
Summary: My first attempt at crack writing... If the very earth Wolfram stood on was a very avid Wolffan, how would it react should Wolfram fall? R&R for my crack fic!


Wolfram was about to fall. Not very far. He had been riding all day, and having to single-handedly beat the stuffing out of 6 thieves on his way back to the castle had made him bone weary. Having someone lunge on top of him moments after he had ridden into the castle had his body moving on automatic. Twisting out of the grip of whoever it was that was assaulting him, he securely wrapped an arm around the man's neck and rolled himself off the saddle.

The ground below awaited him.

In the world Wolfram inhabits, _everything _has a bit of magic and a bit of will. The reason why grass didn't periodically band together to take revenge on horses was because most things lacked consciousness. That is, they don't feel an urge to do anything with their abilities, content to be eaten or stepped over or a thousand other things that get done to them.

When the Maou summons giant monsters of trash or water or mud, what he is basically doing is waking up the elements and telling them what he wants them to do and why he wants them to do it. As the Maou only reacts in extremely unjust circumstances, the elements tend to oblige.

Sometimes, you don't need magic to bring the things around you to life.

Like, for instance….

When you are so beautiful that trees grow green leaves to emulate your eyes,

The sky is blue because it is in love with your uniform,

Your brilliant, honest persona inspires fire to burn brightly with honest light…

Then, even without magic the things around you are aware (and are madly in love) with you.

Enter Wolfram.

He's the beauty that trees, the sky, fire and LOTS of other things are trying to be like.

Now, imagine you are a patch of earth, and Wolfram was about to fall on you. You'd want to offer a soft landing for his lovely self, only earth has never been known to make a comfortable pillow stuffing.

As his royal radiance plummets to the ground, the earth snaps into consciousness. It thinks, _no way will I allow Wolfram to be bruised, logic and physics be damned!_

This is, as any sane person would tell you, the correct kind of thinking when thinking about Wolfram Von Bielefeld.

So the earth whispers to itself, whispers of the deep, old magic that is embedded in the soil. Magic that has been around before any life, magic that will remain long after all life has perished. And it asks itself, _I, who am so full of power that I grow the food to keep life, I who decide the lives and deaths of countless souls. Will I allow ANYTHING to stop me from coming to aid of his Lordship?_

_Ha!_

_I will MOST DEFINITELY provide a soft landing for my Wolfram-sama!_

The earth had seconds between Wolfram falling of his horse and hitting the ground, and so, fervently, it screamed at all its particles and atoms and molecules:_Come on everyone! Hurry and change your elemental makeup! Think soft, think gentle. Move a bit, you lazy atoms! This is Wolfram-sama!_

As one, the particles chorused: _For Wolfram-sama!_

Pulling together at the very last millisecond, the earth received Wolfram gladly, now as soft as a plushie knitted by Gwendal. No exclamation of pain escaped those much-loved lips, and the earth rejoiced.

Countries away, Francian farmers sow seeds that would yield a crop so bountiful and prosperous, no one doubted the joy of the soil.

Wolfram's attacker was nowhere near so lucky, managing to fall neatly onto a smattering of small sharp rocks. He groaned in pain, but the earth spared him no heed, instead relishing in the feel of Wolfram-sama's uniform.

"Wolfram!" Yuuri whined, rubbing his aching back, "why does it always feel like the ground you land on is softer than anybody else's?"

If the earth had a jaw, it would have dropped. _Do you need to ask?_

"It's just you being a wimp! Now be quiet, even though I landed better than you, I'm sore from too much activity. I can't help it if the earth likes me better than you, cheater"

"Alright, let's just get in. I didn't think I'd knock you off the horse, though. Sorry Wolf." Yuuri smiled his pathetic smile of apology.

"It's ok. As I said, the fall didn't really hurt. Come on, I'm starved"

A minor earthquake shook Svelera, but no one was hurt. In fact, the vibrations sounded (some said) suspiciously like the earth humming in contentment.

These were the ones who got it right. The earth settled back into its original hardened form, pleased as punch that to day it has managed to _help Wolfram-sama land without getting hurt!_

_Though I must have a talk with the air… Not enough was done to slow down Wolfram-sama's momentum. Oi, air!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_


End file.
